


Kaiyukan

by Phosphorite



Category: Free!
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-01
Updated: 2014-02-01
Packaged: 2018-01-10 18:21:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,284
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1162989
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Phosphorite/pseuds/Phosphorite
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A part of him was always hoping it was fate; the other parts were too busy blaming himself to realize all the ways it already was.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Kaiyukan

**Author's Note:**

  * For [SpaceRat](https://archiveofourown.org/users/SpaceRat/gifts).



> I wrote this piece for SpaceRat for Rin's birthday exchange - I swear I was going to write something completely different, but things... chose a different path in the end. More importantly, I _completely_ miscalculated my time management this time around and have been kicking myself in the head because the quality invariably reflects that; still, without further excuses I hope you at least somewhat enjoy the story (as much as it stings my personal pride, I guess this is better than not submitting anything at all), so if you're disappointed with it I can promise to write random domestic fluff to make up for it (シ_ _)シ

Rin stares at the ticket in his hand intently all the way from Hommachi to Osakako station.

A drawing of a large fish smiles back at him happily, mouth wide with no worries in the world.

Rin has been oddly fixed on that image, since the second Haruka handed him the pass at the hotel this morning.

"It looks like a whale," he says.

Haruka's focus breaks long enough for his grip on the handle to come loose; it's at that moment the train swerves to the left and sends him stumbling into Rin, whose arm steadies Haruka by the shoulders without blinking an eye.

"It's not," Haruka responds, voice equally calm. He doesn't pull back, but instead lets his weight rest on Rin. "Yu-chan is a shark."

"It looks like a whale," Rin repeats under his breath, but finally pockets the pass before he accidentally forgets it on the train.

Neither one of them has ever visited the Kaiyukan before, but luckily, the building is large enough to spot at a distance. Next to the aquarium, a large Ferris wheel stands painted in all the colours of a rainbow; Rin momentarily laments the fact that they are unlikely to have time for it, as unlikely as they are to get out of the aquarium before closing time.

He doesn't feel like picking a fight over it, though.

Not today.

 

_On February 9th three years ago, the air was brisk but not cold._

_You still remember; the level crossing, the sound of alarm bells as he instinctively pulled you back from a train rushing by; you remember the colour of his scarf, how it matched the light crimson on his cheeks, the split second of hesitation before he gently leaned over; and how the clangor of the train and the sound of the alarms drowned out the cacophony of your heart, until nothing remained but the clear, crisp softness of his lips on your own._

_The red stripes on the ground crossed and intertwined, and part of you wanted to think it was fate._

_You were seventeen years old and there was nothing at all you wouldn't do,_

_(nothing you wouldn't do for him.)_

 

Rin still thinks of that day, almost every time he hears the familiar sound of level crossing bells. He'll think of that moment, and the one that followed, once Haruka lifted his head triumphantly and smiled with a hint of shyness in his eyes, while the clatter of the railway tracks receded in the distance.

Haruka lifts his head now, and there's naked curiosity on his face.

The colour of his scarf is the same as three years ago, but his eyes no longer look shy.

"It's nothing," Rin says and lightly pushes Haruka's back to guide him through the gates.

 

 

 

Haruka wants a stamp book.

Rin has no idea what a stamp book is, not until Haruka returns from the counter holding one. "You go through the exhibition and collect rubber stamps on various animals. There must be at least ten."

"Judging by the stations, you're over a foot too tall for this kind of thing," Rin remarks, but Haruka just dodges past him, through the tunnel of manta rays floating overhead. Rin cannot help but dawdle few feet behind, his concentration broken by their hypnotic undulation.

Haruka, on the other hand, walks with a purpose. As much as display aquariums filled with colourful fish sometimes freeze Haruka on reflex, he now ignores tank after tank as he stomps on by, only coming to a halt by a sign titled _Pacific White-Sided Dolphin_.

He crouches, places his palms against the glass, and goes silent.

Rin goes silent too.

He knows that look; knows that for approximately five to ten minutes from here on out Haruka will be lost in a world of his own. That world comes wrapped in the blinding reflection of light, crashing waves like the seashells Rin held against his ear as a child, and it exists for Haruka alone.

He leans against the wall, and waits.

 

_You're impossible, you said, and they felt like words etched into your throat from another story. His only response, as usual, was a glare._

_In that moment, you felt like you hadn't grown a day older than twelve, like somehow the two of you were still stuck in a permanent loop of time travel, where you would always ultimately find one another at the junction of immaturity and audacious pride._

_Two months into reconciliation, one month into madness. How a friendship could be such a battlefield, you thought you'd never know; if either one of you was fighting a losing battle, you knew that even less._

_He turned on his heels, and the intensity of his stare was enough to fix you in your tracks. Aren't you coming?! those eyes screamed, loud with frustration that equaled your own._

_Behind him, the vapor trails of the sunset crossed and intertwined, and part of you wanted to think it was fate._

_You were sixteen years old and it was probably around here that you knew you were terrible for one another,_

_(probably around here that you knew you were beginning to fall in love.)_

Haruka pulls Rin out of his thoughts with a light touch of his hand.

Rin's eyes dart up, and there is presence and light in Haruka's eyes again. Rin lets out a small breath of relief, without really knowing why.

"...So, you done here?"

Haruka nods. He lifts up the small leaflet. "I got a stamp. For the dolphins."

Rin nods, too, then pushes himself along. "The big tank should be up ahead. You'll get to see your whale."

"Yu-chan is a shark," Haruka repeats for the second time today, but Rin is not in range to hear.

 

 

 

They stop to look at the seals.

Some are bigger, some lazier. Many swim in rotations through the underwater caves, all remain in constant motion.

There's one that stops to observe each visitor, though. To Rin it looks little older than a pup; it likes to flip upside down in the water, peering at passersby with curiosity. When Rin instinctively places a finger against the glass, the seal zooms in on it in a second.

Rin shifts his finger. The seal tilts its head.

He shifts it again, and the seal follows.

Rin draws an arc with his hand, and the seal rotates its entire body in tune of the motion; in spite of himself, Rin finds himself smiling.

_Stop moving, he grumbled into your ear and pulled at your chin. You'll get soap everywhere._

_That's not as bad as going blind, you insisted, but held still; his fingers traced the line of your scalp anew, and you held your eyes closed once he ran a stream of water through your hair. A torrent of foam trickled down one shoulder, until eventually circling the drain; he must have spent an additional minute or two rinsing out the shampoo just to make sure not a speck remained._

_Happy? you asked, part sardonic part amused. He countered it with a Look, then grabbed you by the wrist, pulling you towards the bath._

_It was that moment you always liked the best. The split second once his limbs hit the water and all defiance escaped his body – it was as though the warmth merged with his bones, stripping him off each and every rejection. As his arms fastened around your chest and pulled you close against his own, there was something relieved in the gesture; where his lips lightly touched the back of your neck, a wave of alleviated reassurance flowed from his skin into yours._

_One of these days it might be like this, you thought, all the time._

_Or, it might not._

_Knowing that, you could never help the trace of wistfulness you felt in its wake._

_As he threaded his fingers through your red hair, the strands crossed and intertwined, and part of you wanted to think it was fate._

_You were eighteen years old and still believed that one day you could become the person he'd need;_

_(but you couldn't help wondering how many more years it was going to take.)_

 

He hears a sound coming by his side, resembling a chuckle.

"I think he likes you," Haruka comments, hiding half of his expression behind the stamp book, but Rin is too lost in thought to notice.

He tears his eyes off the tank and absent-mindedly points towards another stamp station. "You want to get a seal?"

Haruka shrugs.

"Sure."

What Rin doesn't miss is the unreadable shadow that flickers across his face.

 

 

 

There are many types of jellyfish on the lower level. For a long time, Haruka remains transfixed in front of one of the tanks, where spotlights transform a group of moon jellies from one colour to another under a subdued glow.

Rin tries to focus. On the bioluminescent jellyfish dancing around in nondescript patterns; on the comical tiny mushrooms swirling in a crowd; on the single stunning creature with red tentacles, like crossing and intertwining threads floating in the void.

He cannot, of course.

The memory of that split second disappointment on Haruka's face haunts him; it clings to him with chilled tendrils, drags him in, refuses to let go.

Rin hates that look.

As he watches Haruka move from one jellyfish to another, it cracks open each and every one of his insecurities, breathes life into a kindling of a doubt he has always kept smothering away, unable to extinguish or forget.

For three years, it has been this way.

_I don't, you began, then choked on the fragments of the words in your throat._

_Whether the anger surged forth from resentment or shame, you hadn't known in years. It had never mattered; he'd hold your gaze with a mask of stone, and it was all it ever took for him to throw all that hatred back in your face._

_You could feel your head spinning, fingertips aching, heart pounding with everything you wished you meant to say, and everything you did not._

_I don't care anymore. Do what you want. Obviously I'm not good for anything besides making you miserable, so have fun finding someone who knows how to make you happy instead._

_An inexplicable fury settled around his eyes. Jaw tightened, hands clenched into fists. Still, he never spoke a word; when no comeback or denial came, a coldness pulled your heart under and your head felt light._

_You wanted to take it back. You wanted to rewind time._

_But what you said was, alright._

_Then left._

_Six seven eight steps onto the road outside his house you heard the sound of the door slamming behind you._

_As you instinctively turned, for a second the world was lost in a flurry of hair and flailing arms. Grabbing hold of your shirt, the intensity of his grip reminded you of a man drowning; his voice came out in a frenzied chorus of Rin, Rin, Rin, Rin as he buried his face in your neck, and you realized he was crying._

_There were tiny red scratches on his palms where his fingernails had dug into his skin, crossing and intertwining, and part of you wanted to think it was fate._

_You were nineteen years old, and it was on that day you understood he probably loved you._

_(It was on that day you understood how easy it would be to destroy him, and that one day you inevitably would.)_

 

"Rin," Haruka says, and his voice startles Rin like an echo from the past. "Can we go see the penguins?"

There is a sudden hope in his voice that Rin does not know how to place.

For a moment, Haruka's hand hovers over his, almost as though wanting to hold it.

"Alright, let's go."

Rin's already three steps ahead, and Haruka lets his arm fall.

 

 

 

They're feeding the penguins. A man on a small raft dangles above water, skillfully dodging the current and climbing back on the artificial cliffs once he's done giving away fish.

"I wonder how cold it is," Haruka notes thoughtfully, beckoning at the glass, "On the other side."

Rin scrunches up his forehead in thought. A tiny penguin shoots through the water like a torpedo, snags a piece of fish off the beak of a larger one. It kind of reminds him of Nagisa. "It's probably colder than it looks."

"Like our first apartment?"

For a split second Rin is taken aback enough to find himself speechless. He has been inattentive enough to overlook much of what Haruka has said today, but he cannot ignore this; when Rin glances at Haruka, there's an unmistakable hint of a wry smile tugging at his lips.

"H, hey," Rin manages, suddenly overtly conscious of whether there are people at hearing range.

There aren't.

Haruka has not chosen his words at random, and it feels frightening and relieving all at once.

(Rin isn't ready to remember, but he does.)

_They said they would come fix the radiators in three days, you said as you placed the phone on the table. Until then the kotatsu is all we got._

_He gave you a light nod, burrowing deeper underneath the blanket. You stood there for a moment, waiting for him to say something, but he never called you out on your mistake; even when his breath came out in mist, he never blamed it on you. Instead, he just gave you a small smile, and it made everything worse; because it had been your job to take care of heating, your responsibility to make sure the two of you did not freeze to death on your first night together in a new home._

_No, not just any home._

_First home;_

_and you'd ruined it, the way you always ruined everything._

_(Like the graduation day you couldn't spend together, like the fireworks in the Summer you missed; like the birthday he spent nursing your cold, or the Christmas that went amiss; as though sabotaging each and every potential memory was coded in your programming, to make sure that in years to come, he would have nothing to remember you by.)_

_I can try and find extra quilts, you said, voice hesitant under the sudden helplessness; but then he touched your hand, and his warmth was like a beacon amidst the coldness of the room._

_As difficult as it was to maneuver for more room under the kotatsu, his grip never wavered as he nuzzled against you with resolve. Where his chest pressed against yours and arms entwined around your neck, it felt like he had always been there, carved out like your other half, and for a moment you could not breathe._

_I'd rather sleep like this, he said, and closed his eyes._

_As you pulled the blanket further over his shoulders, the red, swirly patterns on it crossed and intertwined, and they reminded you of... something, like a memento of a lost life._

_But you were nineteen years old then, and knew that sooner or later you'd have to remember again;_

_(that sooner or later you'd have to stop running, or run out of time.)_

 

"What made you think of that now?"

Rin knows he might be better off not asking that question, but he cannot help it.

Haruka's eyes narrow briefly. He lets out a sigh.

On the other side of the glass the penguins keep diving into the water, belly-flopping onto ice, screaming with a deafness neither one of them can hear.

"Let's go see Yu-chan," Haruka responds, and this time Rin cannot stop him from holding his hand.

 

 

 

They find the tank with little effort, although to call it one is nothing short of an understatement. As Rin takes in how far the container spreads, it feels to him as though they are the ones enclosed in a tank instead.

An enormous manta ray floats towards him on the other side of the glass, and gives Rin a visible, almost comical start. He's pretty sure if he spread out his arms, the ray would still be larger in width; the idea that only a thick panel separates them from one another is kind of unnerving, in that regard.

"...It looks like it's smiling," Haruka comments next to him, though, and points towards one floating up the tank on its belly; sure enough, the pulsating gills look like a grinning face, and an involuntary burst of laughter catches Rin by surprise.

Haruka looks strangely pleased with himself at this.

Then his eyes go wide.

As Rin turns his head, he cannot miss what has frozen Haruka in place: watching the large creature wade through the water, gliding across the window panels, it renders them both silent in honest respect. There's an odd kind of elegance to how it brushes past manta rays and smaller sharks, head wide, eyes calm; Rin can tell Haruka is absolutely spellbound by the grace and serenity, a stark contrast to the agility and brashness of the dolphins he is normally so fond of.

"She's beautiful," Haruka cannot help whispering, reaching for the glass, "She looks so... gentle. Peaceful. Kind."

Gentle.

Peaceful, kind.

(Everything Rin is not, and will never be;

everything Haruka needs, and will never have.)

Rin glances at his side, at the undeniable happiness and adoration that flickers in Haruka's eyes. It hurts, and Rin probably knows.

Three years later it hurts and he knows.

"That's how whales are," he says, and cannot feel his voice.

He means it in earnest, but the words trigger in Haruka a sharp turn. Suddenly, Haruka's eyes are aflame with an intense fury; he grabs onto Rin's arm, nearly pushes him against the glass, lifts his eyes on the same level as Rin's, and when he speaks his words come out crystal clear.

"Yu-chan," he says, voice low, "is _a shark_."

Rin blinks.

A calm aquatic music surrounds them, the distant chatter of visitors resounds in his ears; somewhere behind them a group of teenage girls are pointing at the tank opposite to theirs, and nobody else seems to pay any notice to this small scene at all.

Rin swallows, opens his mouth, before he realizes there is nothing to say.

Because in Haruka's eyes he also sees a raw despair, a barely contained weakness about to spill out any second; like a helpless plea for Rin to hear and understand all the countless little things Haruka might never be able to admit aloud, but fiercely protects with every fiber of his being.

"I'm––" Rin instinctively begins to say, but Haruka shakes his head.

"Don't," he breathes out, softer now, and for the first time today Rin hears what Haruka is trying to say because he's finally ready to listen.

_Don't say you're sorry. Don't say you were wrong. Don't say you can't help it._

_Just say you're mine._

Rin is twenty years old, and on this very day he understands.

 

 

On their way back from Osakako to Tennoji they change lines at the Hommachi station.

Where the train swerves to the right, Haruka stumbles forward and right into Rin; he catches Haruka absent-mindedly, then holds him around the shoulders when Haruka does not lean away.

This time, he notices the warmth of Haruka's body, the alleviation on his face, the trace of shyness in his eyes.

This time, he notices how the Midosuji splits the subway map in a red, vertical line.

Haruka clings to him anew on the second train, and in the conviction of his hold Rin knows he's not too late;

(he's twenty years old, and a part of him knows it's a red string of fate.)

 

 

-fin

**Author's Note:**

> The premise behind this fic was me wanting to use the prompt of Rin's introspection over his relationship with Haruka to gauge out ways that his insecurity and self-consciousness might one day result in him blinding himself to all the genuinely good things in his life; it's one take on how their dynamic _could_ progress, should they be incapable of actually discussing their differences and working through those problems together. Still, I feel that regardless of the circumstances, their innate desire to be with one another would always overcome even years' worth of regret; that at the end of they day, they would find ways to communicate their feelings to one another, and find a voice through which they were both understood.
> 
> Additionally: I took some artistic liberties with the order of animals at the Kaiyukan to better suit the narrative; the main tank is actually pretty hard to miss, since it spans several floors. Also, Yu-chan has a friend called Ten-chan at the aquarium now. They are super, super cute.


End file.
